Bob Barr: Libertarian Presidential Nominee
When Neal Boortz announced on his entertaining and sometimes infuriating radio show that the libertarian party picked Bob Barr to run for the US presidency, I had no idea who he was talking about. After reading a little about him, I was kind of glad that North Carolina had reverted all non-partisan voters to independent status for the primary and state elections earlier this month.
On paper, he sounds like a guy who didn’t get as far as he wanted during the Clinton administration, so he switched hats as more of a tactical maneuver than a matter of principle. It’s a little strange for a card-carrying libertarian to fervently support the ACLU and the American Freedom Agenda at the same time. When I listened to an interview with Barr, he sounded like Harry Browne in a pair of trendy Ira Glasses - a liberal libertarian with hipster appeal. Nevermind all that stuff about drugs are bad and homos are too gross to get married. He apologized for that stuff.
I like the idea of libertarianism more than the people the party attracts - kind of like art. Art is awesome, but art people are scary, and most of the time they really don’t know what they’re going on about. Libertarianism is like the wild west. It means you don’t live in an entirely safe world. There are stupid people in the libertarian world, and they usually get stupider in numbers. These stupid people are afraid to answer the door, or say the wrong thing, or give you an honest answer. They keep their kids on leashes, they expect the government to solve actual problems, they don’t have perverted thoughts, they never practice what they preach. They’re dangerous because they’re skittish, and if you rub them the wrong way, you might end up in a duel. I know this world isn’t real, but sometimes it’s alluring to live there. It makes me feel tougher, less afraid. Being a libertarian sometimes make me believe that I could kick anyone’s ass if they provoked me in the wrong way. It makes me believe that I can figure out how to fix a burst pipe or a leaky toilet. Health insurance? Fuck that shit. I suffer through fevers because I’m tough. And a bad cough means I can buy the kind of drugs you can usually only find through dealers who know someone with stage 4 cancer. If I don’t like the look of you, I won’t avert my eyes. I’ll stare you down until I scare you. I’m not afraid of cops. I break the law as I see fit because sometimes the law makes less sense than following it. If the big grid went down, I’d figure out how to cook meals on a pit fire, and my body would adjust to parasites. I walk in front of cars, I maneuver through traffic like a soldier, I know when to acquiesce and when to stand up in someone’s face. No money? Fuck money! Fuck your 401K plan, your vacation time, your bullshit policies, your IT spies, your fake smiles and gossip. I’ll figure out how to make my own cash. That’s a free market you’re sucking on. Move over and hand me a tit. Watch the way I work my mouth.
This is the way I was raised. My parents taught their kids to take risks, that life isn’t fair, and that if you want something, you gotta figure out how to beat out the other three hundred million people who are screaming for the same thing.
See? It’s romantic. But it’s not real. We are so far removed from the wild west that I find myself wishing for life-or-death scenarios as I walk down the streets. What if a gang of democrats jumped out of that holly bush, flinging prozac and anti-germ gel in my face? What if they had guns? Wait, democrats don’t carry guns. What if a republican with a bible and a pistol tried to rape me? Anally, of course. What would I do? I think about this kind of stuff because I live in a warm house with plenty of food, water, love and leisure time. I know all of this. But I still like the libertarian fantasy. It keeps me on my toes.
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I know I try to cram Dan Carlin down a lot of people’s throats. It doesn’t make much sense strategically; Carlin isn’t a libertarian, and I’m not voting for him. But he’s like brain vitamins. For anyone. I don’t always agree with what he says, but every time I listen to his shows, I learn something new. He’s good at what he does, and he does his job out of principle instead of financial gain. There’s something very American about that. He’s someone to be proud of, which is rare these days. Especially when the libertarians pick a guy they would’ve ripped to shreds before 2006 to represent their cause in a US election. It makes me think that libertarianism is more about upheaving the 2-party system by any means possible than defending the philosophical values this country was based on.
If you ever thought “this crazy bitch is trying to push Dan Carlin down my throat” and didn’t check him out, now’s your chance. After a passionate defence of anti-torture in his show The Way You Play The Game, Carlin rips the libertarian party a brand new gaping asshole. I’d bet my stimulus check that you’d enjoy his show, if you only listened.